Sincerely...

So, I'm super pissed today cause when I woke up at 1 PM I found out that my mom left me to go to her friend's house. Pdhal we have planned that today we'll go to Salon and play some pool. Sh!ts.

I'm a little mellow today. After a long, hard, sad call with my ex last night.

I didn't do anything much today, woke up at 1, find out my mom left me all alone at home (fyi: my brothers left to go to... this place that I won't mention here). At first I just watched some TV shows, but I got bored and then I went online. I have no idea why but suddenly I felt like reading my ex's old journal entry in blogger so, yeah I did read his old journal entries. ALL OF IT.

And I found out that I've been such a drama queen, evil queen, whatever evil-ish queen name you can think of. I'm all of that. I felt so guilty with all the things I've done to him, even if some of it I didn't do it without any reasons. Walau, musti gw akui reasonsnya sometimes super ngga worth it buat bikin kita brantem. As I'm writing this paragraph, I feel like crying cause I've been such a pain in the as$ for him selama masa kita jadian. But then, gw sadar gw lg puasa jadi gw tahan untuk ngga nangis. Coz I did cried last night while I'm on the phone with my ex.

Speaking of my ex, I just wanted to let you all know that he's a really great guy. Seriously. I have never ever found someone yg sepengertian dia dalam hidup gw. And bodohnya gw, I let that person go out of my life. Pdhal, he always know how to cheer me up when I'm feeling down. He always there to listen to my stories, he always there to support me in whatever I'm doing. Gw sering banget marah2in dia, bete2in dia padahal dia ngga salah apa2. Kenapa gw lakuin itu? Krn gw emotional, krn gw ga bisa ngekontrol my emotion. Alhasil, gw suka meledak sendiri without any good reasons ke innocent people. Dalam kasus ini, my ex.

Gw jadi inget satu lagu judulnya Used To by Daughtry. Gw tau lagu ini dari dia, siapa lg? Dia juga sempet masukkin liriknya ke blog dia. And jujur aja, liriknya bener2 nyentuh banget krn gw ngrasa that lyric bener2 ngedescribe our relationship. Where we used to share a lot of things and stuffs, ini liriknya:

You used to talk to me like I was the only one around 
You used to lean on me..the only other choice was falling down 
You used to walk with me like we had nowhere we needed to go 
Nice and slow, to no place in particular 

We used to have this figured out 
We used to breathe without a doubt 
When nights were clear you were the first star I'd see 
We used to have this under control 
We never thought...we Used to know 
At least there's you and at least there's me 
Can we get this back, can we get this back... 
To how it used to be 

I used to reach for you when I got lost along the way 
I used to listen, you always had just the right thing to say 
I used to follow you, never really cared where we would go 
Fast or slow to anywhere at all 

We used to have this figured out 
We used to breathe without a doubt 
When nights were clear you were the first star I'd see 
We used to have this under control 
We never thought...we Used to know 
At least there's you and at least there's me 
Can we get this back, can we get this back... 
To how it used to be 

I look around me and I want you to be there 
Cause I miss the things that we shared 
Look around you-it's empty and you're sad 
Cause you miss the love that we had 
You used to talk to me like I was the only one around... 
The only one around 

We used to have this figured out 
We used to breathe without a doubt 
When nights were clear you were the first star I'd see 
We used to have this under control 
We never thought...we Used to know 
At least there's you and at least there's me 
Can we get this back, can we get this back... 
To how it used to be 
To how it used to be 
To how it used to be 
To how it used to be 
To how it used to be

Dalem kan? Yep. And gatau kenapa, smalem wkt gw lg telfonan sm dia tiba2 diotak gw lirik lagu itu keep on playing inside my head. If only smalem was a normal phone call night, mungkin gw bakal minta dia untuk nyanyiin lagu itu buat gw. Coz we used to do that, dulu banget, we used to sing along together. Kadang kita saling request lagu. I miss those moments.

Oh, tadi gw bilang kan gw baca old journal entries dia? Salah satu yg bener2 nusuk hati gw banget adalah post yg ini:

Saturday, May 10, 2008

brighterthansunshine.

I remembered it - crystal clear - of how we were before we're together.

We woke up all night, and slept four at dawn. I can recall the time we talked about that Digimon opening song, and I said before I sleep:
"I really enjoyed this conversation with you."

Twenty four, you accidentally told me that you want me.
Twenty five, we share our feelings and you tell me that you need me.
Twenty six, you wanna make you mine.
Twenty seven, suddenly you're mine.



i think i did something big that i took those moments away from us. You've even came to a decision where you want to take a break. Ever since the 25th of March passed, friction and sparks were created often between us.
I've got my feelings preserved for you, even after I went through the heat that flares for that one month - my feelings shaped the same as it used to be.

I dropped a tear, if not tears, quite some time recently. You seem to feel no hesitation to write things that kill me:
You wish for someone else, we're going to end up soon, the feeling stops and you couldn't care less.

I don't know what to say.
I still care about you, and that's all I can say.

Serius, itu bener2 nusuk hati gw banget. Gw bener2 ngerasa extremely jahat. Hhh, oh well that's the past, apa pun yg gw lakuin skrg ga bakal bisa fix the past. Yg bs gw lakuin skrg adalah mencoba memperbaiki hubungan gw sm mantan gw, krn gw gamau some time in the future gw bakal do the same thing as I just did - which is, regretting my past. Gw mau gw and dia jadi temen baik lagi like we used to be before kita mulai jadian and nemuin all sort of things yg bisa bikin kita jadi brantem over small things. So, wish me luck! :)



Audi, even if we're not a couple anymore... I just want to let you know that what I said dulu wkt kt jadian bakal tetep apply skrg, regardless of our status. Aku sayang sama kamu, as a friend. :)

xoxo
♥