Are you scared of getting hurt? I do. Especially by the one you really loved. That's why, I swore to myself never to let myself fell in love ever again. I did once, I'm still 16 and reckless. Up until now, he is still the one for me. Don't get this the wrong way, what I meant by the one is... I have never ever found a guy that is like him, even thou I've dated a few others after dating him. Not, the one as in "I'm still crazily in love with him til' I die". I was terribly selfish back then, insecure, childish and well... pretty much a 16 years old would do. Until the moment I wrote this, I still can never understand why did I do all the things I did during the months we've dated. It's been 2 and a half years since we broke up, and I still can't get over the fact that I let someone as good as him go that easily, maybe you can call it as something that I regret. And I won't let this off my mind as easy as it sound to you, before I can talk to him about us - whenever that is. I'm hoping soon, or you know at least less than a year, cause this keeps messing with my head and with my relationships with other guys after him. Hopefully that won't be too hard cause thankfully, I've been talking to him every once in a while since Idul Fitri on September '10 up until now.
I think, I'm in love again. Unfortunately, this person didn't realize it until a few days earlier (well, at least that what he's been trying to tell me). I give my all to him, with some expectations, saddening. Our months of relationship are filled with jealousy, backstabbing, cheating, all kind of stuffs that wouldn't have happened if only we know each other better before we decided to be a couple. But yeah, that's in the past. Another lesson to be learned. The thing that really makes me sad is, after all we've been through, all the pain he have caused me, all the shits and lies he has told me... He suddenly decided to just walk in to my life again after I struggle for a month trying to get rid of him, and us. It just pissed me off. I've avoided him successfully but then, I get weak and fall for him once again. I don't mind letting him come back into my life, but not now. Not when I'm trying all of my guts to try to forget everything between us. Not when all he can say now is "I love you", "I just realized that you've loved me so much and I did all that to you, I'm sorry". Can't you see it's breaking my heart? I've loved you, so much until I realized as days goes by, I am expecting less out of you, cause I know... I'm starting to understand, how to love a person fully without asking anything in return. That is why, even thou you did all of that, I'm still fooling myself and letting my self get hurt by still staying by your side. Until I can't stand it anymore and decided to let you go, even if it's breaking my heart so badly cause letting you go would be the last thing on my mind. What's more heartbreaking was, letting you go was something you asked for from me.
Now, I know you're reading this, even thou I'm not so sure if you fully understand what I've been mumbling about... All I'm asking is:
What do you want from me now?
Are you gonna keep doing what you're doing now?
I won't (at least, I'll try) have any contacts with you in any ways until you can tell me what do you want from me. Cause all I can give you as an options are: either we try once again to be a couple, this time for real. I'm sorry but I just can't deal with the fact that we still text, call or see each other as if we're still a couple, but we're not. The second option is, back off from my life until my feelings are neutral towards you.
Yeah, Melin in love is indeed a scary Melin.